a dream
we’re sitting in a chinese stir-fry restaurant in some chinatown somewhere, having lunch. the room is dim, contrasting with the very bright sunlight outside. the man across the table is grischa, but his face is overlayed with the images of other people i have known in my life. i am trying to make a point about some date we’re going to, a job interview maybe, or an appointment of that kind. i’m trying to get through to him that i want to be there on time, early if possible, to be prepared. that we have to leave soon so we can find our way in this strange town.
we leave the place, outside the light is dazzling and it’s hot and humid. i’m wearing a dress, which i never do. i feel self-conscious. we start walking towards one end of the street, a bus stop or train-station i think, but across the street a storefront window is displaying origami paper and beautifully colored cardboard boxes and he falls back, calling out to me. i walk on, already getting mad, waiting for his footsteps behind me. i’ve been wasting my breath. it’s as if he hasn’t heard. i start arguing in my head, the anger rising to my throat. doesn’t he realise how important this is to me? did he even listen? why doesn’t he care for my interests? why am i always the one who has to wait? i’m so sick of it, i’m fed up. i’ve had enough.
i seem to walk on like this forever, then suddenly i hear him running after me, calling for me, trying to catch up. i turn around and he’s there, laughing, breathless, pushing something into my hands. i slowly shake my head, mouthing “no” silently. he sees the anger in my eyes and his face falls, he understands what i’m trying to say but can’t get out. he hesitates another second, then turns back and starts to slowly walk away. i turn away too, take a few steps, then look down at what i’m holding in my hands. it’s breathtakingly beautiful. it’s a cardboard box with a folding top, like a pilot’s briefcase, its edges reinforced with moss-green linen, the sides covered with origami paper with a chinese shell pattern in several shades of green.
all at once i’m sorry. i was wrong. it’s not his fault that i’m still mad at my ex for not respecting my time and schedule, for letting me wait while he was lost in his own thoughts. he may not always be listening, but he always respects me. this gift speaks of his different priorities i so love about him, his eyes always open to beauty and cleverness while i’m so stuck in my schedules that i’m blind to anything else. this little chinese box is like our relationship — beautiful, simple and complicated at the same time, a secret hidden inside.
i turn back to look for him, opening my mouth to call his name, but he’s gone. i suddenly feel very alone.
Leave a Reply