my man

i met this guy at a birthday party of a friend me and my father knew through our work. the party was in hamburg, starting mid-afternoon with a boat tour on the elbe offering music, coffee and birthday cake. when we arrived at the meeting point, the boat landing stage, there was this lanky guy leaning to a low wall, watching the hamburg traffic rushing by. he made me curious right away. the two of us were by far the youngest guests at that party and there was something about him that made me feel i had to get to know him. like i had known him before and had to meet him again.

i only got a chance to talk to him later that evening when the party had moved on to another boat — a former lightvessel now used as a hotel and restaurant — and we ended up talking the rest of the night. i think i used a pretty stupid pick-up line, if i remember it correctly i overheard him asking the barkeeper for a digestif and recommended an aquavit. but miraculously this started off a wonderful conversation. we stayed long after my father had left for our hotel, and i found myself captured by his personality, his habit of looking straight at me out of those green eyes without seeming to flirt, his way of saying things straightforwardly with this voice that made me feel warm inside. we left in the early hours and he dropped me off at my hotel, we parted with a quick hug and chaste kiss on the cheek, intending to meet at the breakfast next morning that should conclude the birthday party on the lightship.
when i was lying in bed minutes later i wondered if i should have just taken him with me. which is very untypical for me, i’m neither a very initiative type nor do i go for one-night stands. it’s just not a move i would make. i fell asleep to that thought, looking forward to breakfast.
but on the next morning my father felt he had a cold coming on and wanted to do the four hour drive home as soon as possible. we had a quick bite and cup of coffee at our hotel and left hamburg. on the drive home i could not help but feel sad that i had not met my new friend again. and then i realised i had no phone number. and no address. not even a last name. i wanted to cry. i think that was when i started wondering if i had fallen in love.

after a few days, having tried to google him with very little success, i had more or less given up hope to find him again. just then a letter arrived from our friend in hamburg, holding a little note from him and a business card from my new acquaintance, address, phone number and all.
i think i reached for the phone about a dozen times the next two or three days, then ended up writing him a postcard with my address and phone number, leaving the decision to him.
he called immediately. we talked for a while and he mentioned plans to spend a day at the dutch shore the next weekend, did i want to join him? i did, oh yes, i did!

he came to pick me up on a saturday morning, november 16th. seeing him walk in on that day felt like a cup of hot chocolate. we drove the two hours to the shore, briefly stopping in amsterdam on our way, and stepped onto the beach a little after noon. i think we walked and talked for hours, never touching, not much looking at each other, but i felt incredibly close to him. someone i had lost and found again.
just before we got back to the car, we listened to an awesome song on his cd player, blinding out the sound of the waves, staring at the sunset.
we turned into a cafe on our way back for pancakes and real dutch hot chocolate and sat there, finally looking at each other. told each other we had sea eyes. you know, those shiny, washed-out eyes you get after staring at the sea and the misty horizon for hours, all clear and bright. it was incredibly hard to leave. and something inside of me had started to sing.
his appointment for that evening had been cancelled, but it was dark by then and we still had to do a considerable drive home. just when we were leaving the little coast town, going through the last roundabout he said, well, now that he didn’t have any obligations for that night we might as well stay another day. would i like to? my mind raced. while he was going around that roundabout i swear my life passed before my eyes. we would share a hotel room. i didn’t have an overnight bag. what would happen? did i want this? what were his intentions, his expectations? i was unsure because of the absolute lack of flirtation in him. after my partner of eight years had left me only a few months earlier i didn’t really feel too desirable. i wondered if i was behaving incredibly foolish to even think he might be suggesting a night together. at some point i must have realised we were still going around and around that insane roundabout, so i thought, what the hell, and said yes.
i’m not telling much about that night. it probably wasn’t what you are imagining now, anyway. we talked a lot more, and finally kissed, and touched. i remember being incredibly scared, though i don’t know of what. of not being the right someone, maybe. i was considerably out of practice with stuff like that. but it felt so right.
we spent another day on the coast, then he dropped me off at my place and stayed another night. and it was pretty clear there would be more days and more nights. i was absolutely, mindlessly, foolishly in love.

again and again afterwards i wondered, looking into that face that had become so familiar, those sea-green eyes, why me? did i just happen to be there when he needed someone, or was this really about me? and would it last? could it?
we’ve spent together the last five years and i still wonder sometimes what drew us together. i guess i won’t find out. the only thing i know is that i have found love, and happiness.
the years haven’t been all sunshine, we’ve faced a lot of problems, financial troubles, illnesses, whatever. but though i never intend to get married the words of that catholic marriage vow went through my head ever so often: to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish … he’s the man i want to come home to. my man.

~ by bine on November 16, 2007.